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Hi Friend,
I recently came across some research that sparked this letter so I could share it with you. It was a survey of Latter-Day Saints who had begun to take a more expansive view of their faith.[1]
As I listened to a podcast covering the research, one word came up repeatedly to explain what people were feeling: tension.
The author of the survey explained that those who find themselves in this liminal space—between what they once believed and what they are coming to believe—often feel tension between two conflicting sides.
That struck a chord with me because I have felt that same tension.
Faith transitions bring a flood of emotions: confusion, betrayal, anger, grief, relief, and even joy.
These emotions are natural, and valid. And it’s important to learn to read and understand these emotions and live with tension.
These emotions are signals. They are a way for your brain to tell you something, revealing the depth of your experience and what matters most to you. Because of that, those feelings aren’t right or wrong. They just are, and they are part of you.
So, give yourself permission to feel them fully rather than suppressing or dismissing them. In other words, it’s okay to be angry, to grieve, to feel confused. And it’s okay to feel more than one emotion at a time.
I have personally experienced them all. And of them all, heartache or grief was probably the most profound and deep. Some of the things I learned didn’t make me angry. They made me sad, like a part of me had gone missing. I missed what I used to think, what behaviors those thoughts and beliefs caused me to be and do, and the feeling of surety that I felt.
And I felt that deeply for a while.
So, if you are feeling any of those emotions, and that tension, I want you to know that it’s normal.
It took me some time to understand how much tension I was feeling and that at times, being in this in-between space was creating different emotions. That tension came from being pulled by any number of different, often opposing forces. It’s part of the deconstruction process.
Some tension-creating forces might feel like:
- Certainty vs. Uncertainty
- Tradition vs. Change
- Belief vs. Skepticism
- Authority vs. Personal Conscience
- Community vs. Individuality
- Spiritual Experience vs. Intellectual Understanding
- Faithfulness vs. Authenticity
- Obedience vs. Freedom of Choice
- Wrathful God vs. Loving God
- Literalism vs. Symbolism
- Sacred vs. Secular
- Hope vs. Disillusionment
- Past Identity vs. Emerging Identity
- Historical Stories vs. Facts
Some tensions aren’t just contrasts but contradictions we hold at the same time:
- Being among people and feeling alone
- Seeing goodness in people while also sensing the potential for harm
- Feeling love for family and loved ones while struggling with their beliefs or teachings
- Valuing principles while wrestling with institutional challenges
Some contrasts we even see in our own church teachings and history. Can scripture be both flawed and inspiring? How can Joseph Smith be known for both good and evil, as Moroni says?
Do any of these feel tensions familiar? If so, understand that they are signals, revealing the depth of your experience and what matters to you.
Importantly, tension can be a way to find truth. There is lots of wisdom in the statement from Joseph Smith that: “By proving contraries, truth is made manifest.”[2]
One thing I’ve learned is that even though something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean I need to make it go away. I can recognize it, feel it, and allow myself to sit with it.
So, give yourself permission to feel them fully—not to suppress, dismiss them or fuel them, or even try to understand them. Just know that those tensions will exist and it’s okay.
The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh advocates the peaceful approach we can all do better in observing,
“In us, there is a river of feelings, in which every drop of water is a different feeling, and each feeling relies on all the others for its existence. To observe it, we just sit on the bank of the river and identify each feeling as it surfaces, flows by, and disappears.”
For me, journaling and mindfulness have helped me sit with those feelings, express them, and learn to feel them and understand why I felt them. I was also able to find others to speak with, including some people that could help me.
I am not a mental health professional. But I know that suppressing those feelings, or continuing to fuel them, is not healthy physically or mentally. So, find what helps you to process those emotions.
Also know that you may need help with this. If you feel the need, I encourage you to find a mental health professional, a faith transition coach, or someone you know that has gone through a similar faith journey to just sit with you.
I hope you know that you are capable of holding those tensions. It can be your new superpower.
With warmth,
Your Friend
P.S. One of the greatest treasures I have found on this spiritual journey is adopting a practice of mindfulness, that is an ability to just be present with everything I am experiencing. That term may seem a bit out there for you; consider it a form of pondering that has very clear health benefits. One of the most important is the ability to sit with feelings and be present in those feelings, including tension.
I had started a mindfulness practice due to work-related stress before my faith journey, and I have found that it helps me with every part of my life. If you want to try it, there are plenty of phone apps, podcasts, and YouTube channels to help you get started. You may also want to try Thomas McConkie’s podcast One Heart, One Mind, where he blends mindfulness into a setting of LDS beliefs.
One of the books I highly recommend to adopt a more peaceful mindset is Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanh.
[1] Faith Matters Podcast, The Ongoing Tug-of-War Between Tradition and Change—A Conversation with Jeff Strong.
[2] Joseph Smith, in History of the Church, 6:428.